When Love and Harm Collide:

Cognitive Dissonance in Abusive Relationships

One of the most painful and confusing experiences in an abusive relationship is not just the harm itself — but the mental tug-of-war that follows it. This internal conflict has a name: cognitive dissonance.

Cognitive dissonance occurs when we hold two opposing beliefs or experiences at the same time, and they don’t align. In abusive relationships, it might sound like this:

• “I know they hurt me, but I also know they love me.”

• “They’re controlling, but they’re also the only one who really understands me.”

• “They’re cruel sometimes, but I’ve also seen their tender side.”

This mental split is exhausting — and it keeps people stuck.

Why it happens in abusive relationships

Abuse is rarely constant. There are “good times” and “bad times,” and the brain desperately tries to reconcile them. We need the relationship to make sense, so we search for reasons that will bridge the gap between love and harm.

Often, survivors end up excusing or minimising the abuse to preserve the relationship — or they tell themselves the loving moments outweigh the bad. Over time, this creates a deep internal war between the truth of the harm and the hope for change.

How cognitive dissonance keeps you trapped

• It creates self-doubt — You start wondering if you’re “overreacting” or “too sensitive.”

• It fuels hope — The good moments feel like proof things can change.

• It delays action — If you can rationalise the abuse, you can avoid the terrifying prospect of leaving.

• It erodes trust in your instincts — You begin to question your gut feelings, often believing your partner’s version of events over your own.

Breaking the dissonance

Cognitive dissonance starts to dissolve when you:

1. Name it — Simply recognising “this is cognitive dissonance” can bring clarity.

2. Hold both truths — Accept that someone can show care and cause harm — but love without safety isn’t love that nourishes.

3. Ground in your body’s truth — Your nervous system often knows before your mind is ready. Pay attention to the unease, tension, or shutdown you feel.

4. Seek safe witnesses — Being heard without judgment allows you to reality-test your experiences.

The hardest part? Letting go of the hope that the person you love will become who you need them to be. Cognitive dissonance keeps us in limbo — neither fully leaving nor fully healing. Naming it is the first step toward breaking free.