The Anger We Turn Inward

I’ve been thinking a lot about the difference between anger and what I’d call internalized anger.

When most people think of anger, they imagine something obvious — raised voices, frustration spilling out, a direct reaction to something that’s happened. That kind of anger is clear. We can see it, we can name it, and often, we know what caused it.

But internalized anger is quieter. It doesn’t come out directly. Instead, it sits underneath — like a low-level simmer that can feel like heaviness, irritability, sadness, or even anxiety. It’s often dismissed, by ourselves or by others, because it doesn’t look like the “typical” signs of anger.

What I’ve noticed, both in myself and in the people I work with, is that internalized anger usually points to something important: a boundary that’s been crossed or a need that hasn’t been met in a relationship. And because many of us were taught that anger isn’t “acceptable,” we swallow it down. We don’t give it a voice.

The problem is, unspoken anger doesn’t just disappear. It has to go somewhere. And often, it turns inward — into symptoms of anxiety, depression, or just a sense of not feeling quite right within ourselves.

That’s why I think it’s so important to pause when you notice that quiet simmering inside. To ask yourself gently: What boundary feels like it’s been crossed here? What need of mine is going unnoticed?

Anger isn’t something to be ashamed of. It’s a signal. And when we learn to listen to it, rather than silence it, it becomes less about conflict and more about understanding ourselves and what we need.