Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Why Leaving an Abusive Relationship Is So Hard

From the outside, it can seem obvious — if someone is hurting you, just leave. But anyone who’s lived inside an abusive relationship knows it’s never that simple. The decision to stay or go is tangled up in layers of psychology, trauma, hope, fear, and practical realities.

1. The cycle of abuse

Abuse isn’t constant. It often comes in waves — moments of harm followed by periods of apology, affection, or “things being good again.” These cycles create emotional confusion and can deepen the bond, making it harder to walk away.

2. Trauma bonding

When abuse is paired with intermittent kindness, the nervous system forms powerful attachments. Your brain learns to cling to the “good moments” for survival, even if they’re rare. This can make the relationship feel both dangerous and impossible to let go of.

3. Erosion of self-worth

Abusers often undermine a person’s confidence over time — through criticism, gaslighting, or controlling behaviour. When you no longer trust your own judgment or value, leaving can feel like stepping into a void.

4. Fear of retaliation or escalation

Leaving can increase risk. People may stay because they fear what the abuser might do if they try to go — threats, stalking, financial control, or harm to loved ones.

5. Practical barriers

Money, housing, children, shared assets, and social stigma can all make leaving logistically daunting. It’s not just a decision of the heart — it’s a major life upheaval.

6. Hope for change

Many stay because they remember the person they first met and hope that “version” will come back. Sometimes, there are genuine moments of connection that feed the belief that change is possible.

7. Cultural and family conditioning

Messages about loyalty, “standing by your partner,” or “keeping the family together” can weigh heavily, especially in cultures or families where leaving is seen as failure or betrayal.

The truth is: Leaving an abusive relationship is not a single moment — it’s often a process. It can involve many “mini-leavings” before the final break. What matters is not judging yourself for how long it takes, but recognising that each step toward safety — even if small — matters.

If you’re in this position, know that confusion, fear, and hope are all part of the process. You’re not weak for finding it hard. You’re navigating something deeply complex, and you deserve safety, compassion, and support in making your decision.