Is it love or is it control?

We like to think we’d know the difference. Between love and control. Between genuine care and subtle coercion. But the truth is—it’s not always that clear.

Our understanding of love is shaped long before we begin romantic relationships. It begins in childhood, through the relationships that were closest to us. Did we have someone who nurtured us, attuned to us, helped us feel safe in our emotional world? Or did we learn that love is conditional—based on compliance, silence, performance, or self-abandonment?

When we’ve never experienced consistent, safe, and respectful love, we may come to confuse intensity with intimacy. We may interpret possessiveness as care, jealousy as affection, and emotional volatility as passion. We may even tell ourselves we feel “safe” in a relationship that’s actually triggering a survival response we’ve long adapted to.

And then there’s society.

The cultural scripts, the shifting gender roles, the lack of clear models. Masculinity and femininity are being redefined in real time, and many people are left feeling uncertain, conflicted, and lost in how to relate—how to love, how to lead, how to follow, how to share space without dominating or disappearing.

Time and time again, I hear stories that start with, “It felt like a fairytale,” or “I’ve never been loved like that before.”But as we listen more closely, it becomes clear: the "love" was overwhelming, all-consuming, and often conditional.Love bombing is not love.Subtle control disguised as care is not love.Being flooded with attention only to then be manipulated, tested, or isolated is not love.

There is no easy checklist for distinguishing love from control. But there are signs—within you. Your body knows.

Does your nervous system calm in this relationship—or stay on edge? Do you feel safe to express your needs—or do you walk on eggshells? Are your boundaries respected—or gradually worn down? Do you feel more you in this relationship—or do you feel like you’re slowly disappearing?

Learning to distinguish love from control is not a cognitive task alone. It is a full-body process. It requires strengthening your boundaries, reconnecting with your self-worth, and learning to interpret your body’s signals—anger, anxiety, shutdown, fear—not as inconveniences, but as guidance.

This work is not easy. It requires unlearning.But with time, space, and support, you begin to notice the difference.Love honours your autonomy.Love respects your no.Love gives room to breathe.Love feels safe.

Control doesn’t.